I am very sorry to read the suffering you are experiencing, really. I see this post as a continuation of the thread you made and I take the opportunity to expand a bit better what I wanted to say with my laconic comment especially because I thought the thread was more about hearing other people' views than a cry for help like I then understood the more I read the thread and now this post. There is nothing wrong in venting first because bottling up emotions is a maladaptive coping mechanisms that will gradually erose your mind, second when there are ears ready to listen and hearts willing to offer even a bit of emotional support, venting becomes a tool to sublime the inner pain we carry inside. And from the comments I read here I see many people with open ears and hearts.
Sorry if the message will be long, sadly I tend to write long ass comments, reviews etc.
Anyway when I said that a reason to live is because I have things to pursue is linked to two very basic elements that give my life a meaning, although I am aware that life doesn't have an objective, measurable meaning, we are the ones who give meaning to life:
-knowledge
-helping others
With knowledge I can help others, and helping others enriches my mind and life experience. The fact I volunteered as Red Cross volunteer enhanced this even more, I plan to get back once I'm done with University. During my shifts I encountered people who had experienced similar pains like the ones you are going through right now, even if I am not a professional I've noticed that a look direct to the eye, a talk, even holding hand helped them to ease a bit their inner pain. So a personal advice I feel to give you while searching for a professional is to surround yourself of positive people.
And this links to the third element that gives me a reason to live and that I didn't mentioned in the thread: good, kind-hearted, empathic people. A personal motto of mine is "never trust 75% of people in the world", but that remaining 25% is the reason that gives me the strength to go on, to keep fighting. Knowing that in the world there are good, extremely fantastic people, and trust me I've met many of them in my personal life both irl and online, is enough to keep my head raised up and go forward.
Why I mentioned this? Because if you surround of positive people (and this means select people, even the professionals you will meet, remember: few but good), of a healthy social net, you will be able to take those blows better, and maybe over time you will develop strategies to resist them more and more. It will be long, tough and you will keep experiencing ups and downs, but with good people around you, a solid, empathic professional environment I think you will get through this.
Another element that give me the tools to see life through different lenses and approach it in a more serene way is paradoxically confronting with the thought of death since I was little, and in these recent years, with my own death (probably because I'm getting older). In a way, under this aspect, I embrace Heidegger's view of death. Death is not an abstract concept to be avoided like sadly society does, or Das Man if we want to use Heidegger's words.
My existence is temporal, meaning I live in the tension between our past, present, and future. This temporal nature creates a horizon within which people make sense of their lives, guiding actions, decisions, and aspirations. Death, according to Heidegger, is a fundamental part of this temporal existence and offers the ultimate horizon against which life gains meaning. For Heidegger, living authentically means recognizing and accepting our finite nature. Authenticity involves confronting the reality of death rather than avoiding or denying it. When we acknowledge our mortality, we are better equipped to make choices that reflect our true selves, rather than conforming to societal expectations or distractions. Death, in this sense, serves as a clarifying force, stripping away superficial concerns and compelling us to focus on what truly matters. This fits in a good part well with my Buddhist background, where death can be used as a meditational tool to embrace the impermanence of life and its finitude and avoid getting distracted by superficial stuff.
I know I'm just a stranger on Internet, and definitely not a professional. Mine was simply a shared thought. Best of luck for everything, really!
Nitgo
: "But why?"
@Remi-le-Oduen @TheBestBroster very silly question, do you not want better healthcare, flying cars, advanced nano tech? Anyway lad, there's no meaning to life other than what you give it, and any answer you find will always have an underlying suspicion. Just live with it, and you'll find out that the meaning of life is less important than you think.