Hi, I don't know what the fuck is going on I'm just crying here sitting at my desk.

I just walk around feeling so empty and meaningless all the time. Yeah I'm living, doing ok for myself, compared to who I was in the past. Actually giving a shit about my life. But I don't know what the fuck happened, there's just this void in me again. It appeared again.

I can't fucking stand this. Will every step of progress be immediately followed by this? Fucking hell please I don't know what you want, universe.

This feeling of my life having meaning to me and everything just... went away again.

I'm NOT giving up again. I REALLY don't want to right now, but I'm still gonna go to work today. Fuck it all.

I feel so horrible. God what the hell WHY? I don't wanna be a crappy person anymore, I'm trying to not be a fucking pile of shit. DAMMIT. FUCKING HELL. ONE MOMENT OF SOLACE, PLEASE.

Here's something I've been telling myself.

It's ok to cry, it's ok to not feel ok, but it's not ok to give up. I won't. Fuck where I've been, I don't wanna be stuck here rotting in my bedroom until I become a 300LB diabetic.

I don't know what it is truly that's so broken in me. Sometimes in life I just get these INTENSE flashes and waves of "You and your life and everything you love and stand for and care about is completely and utterly devoid of any kind of meaning." I literally just feel empty inside. So empty, so sad. It gets to the point where I make myself cry just so I can feel something. For years I didn't understand self-harm, but as of recent times in my life, I do. Wouldn't you rather feel something... anything... than feel this all-consuming, all-oppressive NOTHING inside of you.

I know people with O.C.D. can tend to fixate on the subject of death and have mental states and feelings similar to this, at least from what I've heard, anyways. I should absolutely look that up after I type this. I know I do have some O.C.D. tendencies anyway. Whenever I place my fingers down on a keyboard, I have to set them down just right. Whenever I set a cup down, it has to be done right. I just have to keep doing it again and again until it does. Otherwise, it drives me fucking insane. Like the whole bottom of the glass NEEDS to come into contact with the table at once. If I set it down and only part of it touches the table initially, I did it "wrong". I know that's not true. I know. It just FUCKS WITH ME. God dammit why? Certain subjects can be brought up and BAM. I feel meaningless internally. One little trigger and there goes a complete 180 in my current mental state. I swear to god and all that is holy I'm trying to hold it together. If you don't believe me, fuck you, I am.

Thanks to my friends and family for existing though... and for all that exists within this otherwise cruel world to offer me comfort and stability and peace. Thank you. Including my first girlfriend too. I've been wanting to get back in contact with her I'm sorry for how I left things. But still, you're a good person and you made an impact on me and I remember you. Time and time again, my life keeps showing me that other people are genuinely the only things that make my existence worthwhile in any way, shape or form. Without all of you, I'd be nothing. Literally, I'd be dead. And even though I often feel that life isn't really a gift like everyone says it is, you people somehow manage to convince me that it is sometimes... despite it all.

I don't know... just thank you all. I love you.

I will note too, that this is the first day of no weed in another bout of attempting to break this addiction. So if my mood is shit, I know where to point my finger for now. I've felt awful like this sober before, but at least in this moment, I can credit a poor mental state to that. I just gotta make it somehow and not give the hell up. I can't do that.