Hello fellow Newgrounds people! I just feel the need to blow off steam about things and I figure another blog post about the current state of my life should be a good idea.

Life Update:

So, how are things going?

Kinda well! Kinda not so.

I am further along in the process of getting a job via my job coach than I ever have been, and I have a meeting with her on the 19th. I think there, we should be applying to some places.

I am so happy about this. I am getting there. I am really getting there. I am so excited to get some money in my pockets. I wanna buy people things, I wanna buy myself things, I want to have some to save too! I want to buy a new record player, new records, paper for my typewriter, maybe some new video games, new things of all kinds! I can do so much. Many opportunities will open up for me because of this. But there are some things still holding me back.

There was fraud on my bank account, and I don't know what to do about it, so I have resorted to asking my mom what to do for help, but I am afraid that she will call me stupid or something. I know I shouldn't let this make me not ask for help with something that is getting more and more important by the day, but I think it is because I don't feel entirely safe emotionally around her. I just think that I'm going to be ridiculed for having this happen to be and I am afraid that I won't be helped.

And I can't fucking stop smoking weed. I am unbelievably ashamed of myself. I don't want this to hold me back from getting a decent job, but at the same time I apparently am so emotionally dependent on the substance that I can't seem to be able to go a day without it. I think this really is quite a problem. But I'm just not ready to stop using deep-down. I have to mention this to my job coach sooner rather than later. I had some today, but since I have this in writing on my Newgrounds, maybe I can hold myself to not smoking any more until after I get a job. Maybe if you guys know my situation, it would make me feel more motivated to help myself.

I'm not saying I want to quit entirely, no. I do genuinely love what the drug does for me, but I have become dependent on it, and that part sucks. It's not the drug itself; it's the dependency that sucks. I want to quit being dependent on it. I just want to smoke only on weekends to be completely honest. But I don't have the self-discipline to really take action on any of it. To control my impulses. I keep saying it's my last time but it never is.

I just had a conversation though that is motivating me to stop so... who knows. Maybe I'll be ok.

Ugh, I just don't know what to do. I just really hate myself. See? Things are going really good but also really... poorly. They always are for me.

I don't know why this of all things is the life I was granted, but... I suppose the best thing I can do is try to play the best I can with the cards I have in my hands.

I can always try again tomorrow, too. I haven't given up completely. Or have I? I can't tell anymore. I have so many reasons not to, but they are fleeting in my head. I hate this. I don't know how to even begin to explain all of these strange psychological complexes in my head. There are so many.

But whatever though.

At the end of the day, I do in fact have too many reasons to live. I have so many reasons not to kill myself right now. I have you guys, I've got friends (they are online but they still count just as much in my heart as irl friends), I've got a family, I've got art, I've got hopes and dreams, I want to see myself blossom into my best self one day, I want to do so many things.

I literally have too many reasons to live. For better or for worse. So I will live, then, no matter what. No matter how loud and bright the suicidal thoughts get, no matter how much I feel hated, no matter how worthless I feel.

I know thoughts like those are dark illusions intending to keep me away from myself.

But like my last artwork said, I am feeling a little glimmer of hope about my future. And I haven't felt this in such a long time, if ever. So this is turning out to be a really meaningful transition period in life for me.

So, I just want to end this post by listing some people whose existences I am thankful for. You are all direct reasons for me living still.

My sister, bl00dy-seraphim617, mnzozo, Jojo, TikkiToon, TomFulp (for creating Newgrounds and allowing me to have the friends I have today, and this wonderful space to express myself freely).

Underrated Artist Features:

I don't just want to share what's going on in my life, I also want to share some artists that I think deserve some more attention for their good work!

EggKtty - Great original character designs and owner of a distinctive style!

Meezimoo - Loads of variety, both in content and in style! And loads of South Park fanart if you're into that!

Alixey - If you like slickly done furry art and O.C.'s, this artist may be for you!

MuryNG - Ever improving with great fanart!

RoadAbelgeym - Wonderful artwork featuring lots of furry characters (and some humans) in tasteful, suggestive poses!

That's all from TheBestBroster! See you guys later!