Hey, I just went ahead and looked up POCD, and good god it sounds awful. I have someone in my life with OCD, I've seen myself how deeply it intrudes into someone's life. I don't want to make an assumption, but I get the feeling that something really bad happened to you at some point in your life, and you're deeply hurt by it. I'm sorry you have to put up with feeling the way you do. You're not a bad person for having ended up where you are. Nobody's life gets taken over by mental illness intentionally. You don't have to apologize for not being ok, it's not your fault. I wish you the best for your future <3